Lost Faith
by sarabeth1
Summary: It's 8 months after Liz kills the A.G.. She has been cleared of the death of the OREA Agents and the Senator and has been exonerated on the charge of murdering Connolly and is now back to work at the Post Office. Ressler has to find a way to work through his emotions in order to get his relationship with Liz back on track.


_**I started working on this one before episode 3X02 aired and that episode just gave me more to work with. I had to write the conversation I think they need to have when all is said and done. I added some stuff that obviously won't happen but I think that there is now too much between them for things to go back to normal in their relationship. And I wondered how Ress would feel if he found out Liz thought he was trying to hurt her when he was actually trying to save her from the Russians. I apologize for the heavy dialogue (it's kind of my thing). So, here you have it. I hope you enjoy!**_

* * *

 _ **RESSLER**_

He knew the tension was killing everyone. The whole team felt it. He heard the whispers. Saw the looks. Knew the gossip. Everyone had been happy the day Elizabeth Keen had been cleared of the Senator's death and exonerated of the murder of Tom Connolly. A party had been thrown in her honor, which he attended. But, after that night and since her return things just felt awkward around her. Where it used to be familiar and comfortable he now felt like he shared an office with a stranger.

Now, Donald Ressler had to push aside everything he felt inside about the past 8 months and work alongside her again. He was no longer Director. Cooper had fought hard and was reinstated about 2 months in to the manhunt. Ressler had been offered a permanent promotion if he wanted but that would have meant leaving the task force. He declined knowing that the work he did there was important and as long as Red was providing Blacklisters he would stay. But now, with Liz reinstated, working with her just wasn't the same.

He sensed her presence before seeing or hearing her. Thankfully, the ringing of his phone saved him from having to make awkward conversation. "Hey, ma," he said softly. "Sure, tomorrow. No, it's no trouble." He could feel Liz's eyes on him. "Why don't you and Aunt Mallory go to lunch? Kev and I will take care of everything. And I will stay over, how's that?" His heart felt heavy. This was the only thing that was worse than his issues with Keen. "Me too," he said sadly. "Ok, ma see you tomorrow." He looked at his phone for a minute before setting it down on the desk and letting out a loud sigh.

"I'm sorry, Ress," Liz said from her desk causing him to jump just the slightest. "I should have said it sooner."

"I have a meeting with Cooper. Just don't…that's off limits with you, ok?" He didn't look at her. It hurt to look at her. Ressler paused at the door. "And yeah, you should have."

Ressler left it at that and headed off to his meeting with Cooper. When he got back she was gone and he hoped it was for the day. It wasn't that he was upset she was free. He would never admit to anyone but that day that word came down that she was a free woman, he excused himself and took a walk outside. His hands were shaking, his heart racing and he may or may not have shed a tear or two out of relief and joy. It wasn't her being back that he had problems with it. He fought to get her back. No, it ran deeper.

"Ressler," he barked in to his phone when he saw who it was.

"Geez, Donnie," the familiar yet annoying voice called out to him. "What's up your ass today?"

"What do you want, Phelps?"

"Just checking to see if you are done being an ass." Jacob paused. "A little birdie told me you aren't being very nice to your partner."

"Tell Aram to mind his own business. I'm being completely civil." He was staring in to the war room where Aram stood. Feel my death ray, Aram, Ressler thought as he shook his head.

"How's your mom?" Jacob asked changing the subject.

It still totally freaked him out that they had civil conversations and he was more comfortable talking to Jacob than Liz. That spoke volumes to how messed up things had become.

"She's getting by. She said to tell that nice Jakey thank you for the flowers."

"I have a way with the ladies," Jacob chuckled. "Hey, I get it man. Just, stop being an ass and work through it with her."

"Good night Phelps." Ressler hung up the phone and lowered his head. How did Jacob get the right to tell him to stop being an ass? Jacob of all people giving him advice on Liz. It seemed so wrong.

"So, you can talk to Jacob but not me?"

Ressler jumped when she spoke. She was in the doorway with unshed tears that were close to falling. He wondered how long she had been there. She was there long enough to know he was having a conversation with Jacob. And he knew she was hurt. It showed on her face.

"Not now, Keen." He looked down at his watch and decided it was safe to leave. Standing up, he grabbed his jacket that was draped over his chair.

"Yes. Now." Liz slammed the door shut behind her. "I thought you were glad I was back. You came to the party. I thought…but this past week you have either ignored me or been a complete jerk. What is your problem?"

His problem? Oh, she didn't want to know his problem. She was the source of it. And she knew. Everyone knew. And right now he was going to explode. The months of it all building up and it was going to reach the boiling point real soon. She was using her eyes…those eyes…to beg him to open up. Those eyes…

"You Keen. You are my problem. You can't come back to work and expect it to all go back to normal."

"I never expected that. But I thought we would have talked by now. There's a lot…a lot of stuff to work out."

He lowered his head for a moment then picking it up and licking his lips he spoke. "After the Embassy. When I not only risked my career but my life for yours." He shook his head. "You told Red I had been trying to kill you. When he told me you thought that, Liz." He ran a hand over his face trying to steady himself. "That you thought I wanted to hurt you? You lost faith in me."

"I was scared, Ress. You were relentless." Liz played with her ring. "I didn't know. And I shot that driver before he could shoot you, if you remember?"

"Yes. And I thanked you already. It doesn't negate the fact that after all this time, you'd think I was capable." He brushed past her. He was going to explode if he didn't get away.

She called his name as he stormed away. The few people left in the war room watched with curious eyes. All Ressler wanted to do was get all his pent up anger and frustration out. He wanted to hit something. Or someone. Didn't really matter at this point. He pulled in to the parking lot of the gym and noticed the car a few spaces down from him. Of course. He rolled his eyes and entered the gym anyway. After changing in to his workout clothes he popped his head phones in and headed straight for the punching bag.

He loved this gym. People came to work out. Not socialize. Not show off. They had a weight room, a cardio room and a room with a boxing ring and punching bags. He wrapped his hands up and set to work on the bag. It wasn't long before he saw his smug face in front of him holding the bag. Ressler raised his leg and kicked the bag one last time, hoping to make the man across from him budge. He earned a chuckle instead.

"Jacob," Ressler hissed as he took his headphones off.

"Wanna?" Jacob didn't finish. He didn't have to. He simply nodded to the empty boxing ring.

"Sure. Just…can you not hit my face again? I don't feel like trying to explain it again."

"Your face isn't that pretty, Donnie." Jacob was at the ring putting gloves on. "I mean, really."

"You're hilarious, Jakey." Ressler slid in under the ropes and readied himself.

He wouldn't call Jacob his friend but he wasn't his enemy anymore. They had put differences aside months back to help Liz. They formed an uneasy…well he couldn't explain what they were. Associates? Two men who had a common interest. And two men who enjoyed sparing. Verbally and physically. By the time they were done, Ressler knew he'd have a nice bruise on his side but Jacob would have a nice one as well. He wouldn't even try to deny that Jacob was a better fighter. Jacob had training he never had but Ressler could hold his own and in the time they began sparing he'd only gotten better.

"I take it you talked to her and it didn't go well?" Jacob questioned as they were changing in the locker room.

"Don't act like you don't know. She probably called you right away," Ressler said not even attempting to hide his jealousy when it came to Tom and Liz.

"I'll have you know since she's been back she's only called me once and we didn't talk about you." Jacob threw his gym bag over his shoulder and smacked Ressler on the back. "You see her more than I do. Aram loves to gossip about you two though." He chuckled and shook his head.

"Look, what goes on between Liz and I isn't really your concern. Just like I don't want to hear about the two of you." Ressler followed Jacob out to the parking lot and stopped at his car. "Things are complicated."

"Complicated is Liz and I, man. Talk to me about complicated after you enter in to a fake marriage and carry on two lives all the while making your wife believe you are someone you aren't. Talk to me about complicated after your wife shoots you then locks you up for months. And then talk to me about complicated when you begrudgingly hang out with a man who is clearly in love with your wife." Jacob was leaning up against his car with a smug smile.

"She's not your wife," Ressler growled. "And I'm not in love with her."

"Keep telling yourself that man." He slid in to his car and looked up at Ressler. "She screwed you over man. I'm not going to defend her in that. She wasn't there when you needed her. I know. But she's here now and she wants to make up for it. You just have to talk to her and see what happens." When Ressler shook his head in annoyance, Jacob added once more. "Hey, I'm only saying this because once you two talk she's going to be upset and I'll be there to comfort her."

Ressler rolled his eyes and left Jacob. How was this his life? How was this even in the realm of possibility? He was not getting advice on Liz from her ex-husband who still clearly was in love with her. And Jacob didn't miss a chance to rag on Ressler about his feelings. It infuriated him. A day would come when Liz would decide she wanted Jacob back and when that happened they both knew that whatever was keeping them from killing each other would be gone and there would be no more advice. No more sparing.

He was beat by the time he got home and just wanted a shower and to go to bed. Well, after he devoured the bacon cheeseburger that was in the bag he was carrying he would. His anger was lessened and he felt relief after the physical activity but that would be short lived. It always was. Chasing Keen had been exhausting and trying to keep her safe from the Cabal was near impossible when she refused to believe he was helping the only way he knew how.

She had put him in a terrible position and he hated her for it. There was so much he was angry about. For all they'd been through, all he done for her, and she still…he just wanted to stop thinking. Tomorrow was going to be rough enough without having Keen on his mind. He had decided he would call in sick tomorrow and take an extended weekend at his mother's.

Ressler jumped when he entered his apartment and found Liz sitting on his couch. Shaking his head he said nothing but went to the kitchen for a beer. He set his burger down on the breakfast bar before leaning against it. He took a sip of his beer and watched her.

"We need to talk," she said softly.

"Breaking in to my apartment isn't going to help matters."

"I didn't." She slid a lone key across the end table. "You forgot I had it. I expected the lock to be changed."

He thought about it. But he had hoped maybe she would feel safe with him and come to him. She never did. And that hurt. He stared at his emergency key he gave Liz, what seems like years ago, yet made no move to collect it.

"I'm telling you, Keen. You don't know want to get in to this with me." He sat his beer down and stared her down.

"I do. We need to fix whatever it is that's wrong here."

"Are you that clueless, Keen?" He was harsh and didn't care. "You really need me to explain?"

"I want you to." Liz held his stare and refused to look away from him.

"You are unbelievable. I put my job on the line for you. I had faith in you. And what did you do when I let you get away? You kill a man. I don't care how dirty he was. You killed him and in the process made me complicit in that act."

"Ress, let me," she started. A hint of irritation in her voice.

"No. You listen. You wanted this." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I begged you, Liz. I begged you not to make me chase you. You were scared and I get that. But you put me in an impossible situation. Here's the kicker though. I understood. I hated what you did but I understood. But when you went to the Embassy…trusted the Russians over me. And when I go to save you, you tell Red I was trying to kill you? Really, Liz? I've had your back for how long now? And you had so little faith in me that you thought…," he couldn't finish.

"Can I..," she tried again.

"I'm not done." He finally pushed off the bar and moved to sit on the coffee table across from where Liz sat. "And then, my dad dies. And I know you knew when it happened. You just…God Liz. You just didn't care. Red called to offer his sympathy. Hell, Jacob sent my mom flowers and we hate each other. But you, you just continued on. I bet you even enjoyed the week break you had from my leading the hunt against you."

He hissed when her hand slapped his face. She seemed surprised she did and he most definitely was surprised. Ressler titled his head while looking at her trying to read her. He couldn't figure out what she was thinking other than obviously being angry at him. He put his palms on his thighs and stood. She followed suit and pushed him in the chest roughly.

"You think I didn't care?! That I didn't want to be there for you?" She was practically yelling.

"Yes. That's exactly what I think." He had his hands on his hips. "There was a whole week where I wasn't even thinking about bringing you in. I would have gladly had you by my side for just a few hours and I'd have let you go. I needed my best friend and you weren't there." He tried to steady his breath. "You weren't there," he said softly.

"I wanted to be more than anything. But…," she stopped. "I couldn't risk it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"And that's the problem, Liz. You didn't trust that I had your back. From the moment I let you go I had every intention on helping you. Even after you killed Connolly and I had to chase you. Not because I wanted to but because if I didn't and if I didn't prove to Wright and the bureau that I could put personal feelings aside then someone else would have. And where would you have been?"

"I couldn't trust anyone," she said quietly.

"Don't lie to me. You trusted Redddington. Cooper. Jacob." He was growing angry again and had to walk away from her. "You couldn't trust _me_." He was sure he had proven to her many times over the course of their partnership that she could trust him. "I could have turned you in for holding Jacob hostage. I lied for you instead. After everything Liz. Everything we've been through together."

"I know you, Ressler. This job means everything to you. It is your life. You would never have done anything to jeopardize it. Not for me. Not for anyone." She said it with such conviction that Ressler worried she truly believed it.

"You really don't know me then," he growled. "What the hell do you think I did back when Garrick put a gun to your head? Do you really think I gave up that code because Red threatened my life? I let him cut open my leg and light gun powder on fire on it. All to keep us in the box. For my job. But when that gun was to your head…and it took a minute to realize what was going on, you know with pretty much dying and al, but when I saw that gun to your head there was no thinking about it. Your life for mine and Red's. There wasn't any question. I defied a direct order from Cooper and I have the black mark in my file to prove it."

He watched as Liz's lower lip quivered a bit. This was all getting too emotional. They were all over the board. But all he wanted, all he needed her to know, was for her to understand that she could have trusted him. From the first moment he saw her in that back hallway at the post office. If she had trusted him and not run then she would not have killed Connolly and he wouldn't have the guilt forever on his heart. He let how he felt for her dictate his actions and he had been for a while. He would never admit to anyone yet everyone knew it. Ressler wasn't sure if their relationship could ever be the same again.

"I'm sorry," she said looking up at him. "I'm sorry I hurt you but I'm not sorry I did what I had to do to protect myself."

"From me." He frowned. "There is too much here, Liz. Too much between us now. I'm very happy you are safe and no longer in danger. I don't know if you truly know that. I need time to process this all. What it means to have you back."

"You need to process? What about me. I was a fugitive for months and now I have my badge back. You aren't the only who had issues here, Ress. Stop making this about you."

"You wanted to know my problem. I told you. If you don't like it that's too bad." He walked to his door and held it open. "I think it's time we both stop before we say anything we regret."

"You know why I killed Connelly. What he threatened. I'm not sure how you can hold that against me. I wish I hadn't done it but I did and I can't take it back. But, I can't believe you can't understand why I did what I did and why I felt the way I did." She had her arms crossed over her chest. "I'm not sure who you think you are to judge me in that. You are far from perfect. And I did my fair share of covering your ass."

"Exactly, Liz and that's why this is all so messed up. We obviously weren't as close I thought. I just need time. I don't want a new partner. I want to fix this. Fix us. I guess we have to work on our trust." He was exhausted. He just needed her to leave before he really said something he shouldn't. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She didn't say anything as she walked out of his apartment and down the hall. He watched her disappear then shut the door. That had been brutal. Why did caring for someone have to hurt so damn much? How had she not seen? How did she never see the fear in his eyes all those times they were so close yet so far? How did she not know when everyone else did? That one was easy. She didn't feel it back. Well, now everything was out in the open and he could only move on from there.

IIIIIIII

 _ **LIZ**_

Liz waltzed in to the Post Office the next morning bracing herself for whatever residual hostility or disappointment Ressler may be feeling today. When she entered their office she noticed he wasn't there. He always beat her to work. She waited an hour before finally asking someone. When Aram said he'd call off with no explanation she got angry. What a coward, she thought. He just unloads all his crap on her and then calls off so he doesn't have to face her.

Sure, he had many valid points but he didn't have a right to be angry at her for Connolly. It wasn't planned. She didn't run from him to go kill a man. It happened and she couldn't undo it. But he was right. She did lose faith in him. She lost faith in a lot of people to be honest. It was hard to know who to trust when at every turn someone was with the Cabal and trying to hurt her. They'd work through it. They had to. She had missed him and wanted her friend back.

"Where's Ressler?" Liz asked around noon when Reddington stopped by.

"It wasn't my turn to watch him, Lizzie. The man is entitled to a day off after all the hours he put in recently." Red frowned for a brief moment before smiling. "I do believe however he asked if I could get his mother and aunt reservations at a restaurant not far from Arlington. And I may have traced his phone to his childhood home there."

"He was talking to his mom yesterday about coming over. From what I heard he and Kev…who is Kev?" She frowned. She should know.

"His brother," Red offered.

"I really don't know him," she whispered. "He and Kev are doing something today while she goes out. He sounded sad."

"I'm not going to tell you what to do, Lizzie. But, I'm going to suggest if you want to patch things up with you and him, you go there. Show him that you can be there for him now."

She didn't respond. It took all of a minute to decide she was going to him. She had to take some blame for their relationship being this strained. Liz really did think Ressler was trying to kill her that day. When they stood face to face at that gate there was a look in his eyes she couldn't read. And then, again, when the car was leaving the Embassy…he drew his gun on the car and part of her knew it wasn't for her but to stop the driver.

Another part of her was just terrified of everyone. And when the car got rear ended and she realized it was Ressler fear gripped her. This wasn't helping her. It was going to kill her. Even with the fear that he was trying to hurt her she still couldn't let him get shot. So, she shot the driver and scrambled out of the car and ran. She didn't look back. Not even when he screamed her name. She ran. Then the dinner happened and Red told her Ressler was trying to save her. Her heart sank. After everything she had done. After killing the A.G. and running he still wanted to save her life. He wanted to help her but his way of helping would get her arrested or killed.

It killed her to see him on the other side of that glass door with SWAT and FBI all around. Telling her that he knew her. That she wasn't going to hurt anyone. In the midst of the chaos and fear he still knew how to say exactly what she needed to hear. And she didn't deserve it. Deserve his help. So, after they got out of the dinner and they continued to run she couldn't let herself get in touch with him. She didn't deserve him and she didn't deserve to hear his comforting voice. Then it just became easy. Red would call Ressler with a Blacklister and would offer her the phone and she'd refuse.

And when his father died she was there. Hiding behind a tall oak tree in the cemetery. She couldn't be there in the way he needed but she was there. She asked Jacob to keep an eye on him. That was the first she reached out to him as well. Liz knew the two of them were working together to help her and she begged Jacob to let Red know if Ressler needed anything. Red told her numerous times to just call him. That he wasn't going to use the call against her. But, she couldn't. She was a coward. And now, she ruined things.

"Yeah, I'm here, Red." She said had her phone on speaker as she sat in her car parked across the street from a very modest two story.

Ressler's car was in the drive along with another car with the trunk open. She exchanged a few more words with Red before hanging up. She saw him exit the house along with a man with very similar build, slightly shorter and same hair coloring. The only difference was his hair had curl to it. She decided that was Kev. The brother she never knew existed. She exited her car and slowly walked up the drive until she was in the middle of it watching the two men near the car, their backs turned.

"Ressler?" she said softly. They both turned to look at her and she couldn't help but chuckle and be taken aback by just how much they looked alike.

"Give me a sec, Kev." Ressler patted his brother on the back and waited for him to disappear back in the house. He shut the trunk then leaned against the car. "Who told you where I was?"

"Red had a hunch." She looked over the home. "You grew up here?"

"Yep." He pointed to the first window to the left on the second floor. "Mine."

"I'm sorry to just show up."

"I really can't do this today, Liz. We are packing up my dad's stuff for my mom and it's…I just don't have it in me to do this with you again." He rubbed his eyes and she could see the exhaustion in them.

"I just came to say…I wasn't there for you before. But, I want to be now. I had to say it in person." She reached out and took his hand. "You are my best friend. I didn't lose faith in you. I lost faith in me. And I didn't deserve you. Your friendship. Your support. In my typical masochist way I let myself believe you wanted to hurt me. It was easier than to feel like I let you down. That I compromised the person you were."

"Liz," he said as he took a deep breath.

"And I was there." She squeezed his hand even tighter and looked right in to his eyes.

IIIIIIII

Today sucked. The last thing he wanted to do was go through his dad's belongings but his mother needed it done so it was up to her two sons. Kevin had the day off so together they had tackled their dad's office. They would have to decide what was best to keep. When he heard Liz's voice his heart began to pound. He didn't know why she was there but he really didn't have the energy to pick up where they left off. He just wanted to get today over with and then spend time with his mother and Kevin.

"If you were there why didn't you tell me last night?" he asked after her revelation. It hurt him that she felt he didn't deserve him. She deserved nothing but good things in her life.

She just shrugged then let go of his hand. "I may not have been with you that day like I should have been as your friend but I was there."

They stood there for a few minutes, neither talking just processing. He wanted this to be the end of any conversation about those months of her on the run. All they would eventually do is talk in circles if they didn't agree that it was the past and it was time to move on. But, before he could do that there was one more thing she needed to know. He knew it was one sided but she needed to know.

"I'm in love with you, Liz." He blurted and saw the shock on her face. Then her eyes began to water. "I don't expect you to say anything. I know you aren't in love with me but you need to know. It won't compromise our working relationship."

Before he could continue she leaned in. He held his breath as she inched closer and kissed his cheek. His heart felt crushed. That wasn't the kiss you give to a man you love. It was a kiss you gave to a friend. She pulled away and smiled sadly at him.

"I don't know who I am, Ress." She took a moment. "I need to find myself…to love myself…before I can be with someone else." Liz placed her hand on his cheek. "I love you, Ress. I do."

"You just aren't in love with me." He tried to not to let her see he was dying inside. He knew this but it still hurt to have it confirmed.

"I'm not in love with anyone, if that makes you feel better. I have feelings for you, Ress. I just don't know what they mean. And until I figure myself out I'm not good to anyone." She put her hands in her pockets and looked down. "You are my very best friend. I can't lose that."

"You won't."

Ressler took her chin in his hand and lifted her head up. He then wrapped his arms around her and enveloped her in a big hug. He heard a slight sob escape her mouth but didn't say anything. They held on to each other tightly until he heard a coughing in the background. Turning his head he saw Kevin holding a box. Letting go of Liz he shook his head and rolled his eyes. Kevin always had bad timing.

"Sorry, bro. I didn't think…can I just put this in the car and I'll be out of your hair." Kevin turned to look at Liz. "I'm Kevin by the way. I'm the older more attractive brother." Ressler slapped the back of his head then took the box from him. "I'm telling mom when she gets home," he laughed.

"What's she going to do? Not let me have desert after dinner." Ressler joked as he put the box in the backseat of the car. "Liz, this is my older less attractive bother. Kev, this is Liz my partner."

"I kind of already know who she is, man. TV and all." He extended his hand out to her. "Donnie has told me a lot about you. Mom will be so happy to finally meet you."

Ressler laughed as Kevin put his arm around Liz's shoulder's and led her in to the house. He was telling her all about how the Ressler's never for one second believed what the media said about her. Once inside Liz immediately offered to help so they set to work finishing up his dad's belongings. And later when his mom got home Liz sat with her while the boys finished. His mother demanded she stay for dinner and desert and it was the first time in a months his childhood home heard the sound of laughter. Real laughter.

They were going to be ok. Sure, she wasn't in love with him. Not yet at least. Ressler vowed to give her the space she needed to figure out her life. Then if it was meant to be she'd find a way to him. Until then, they would go on as they did before. He could live with that. He'd worry about the rest later.


End file.
